


born under a bad sign

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Series: under 1k saphael [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Character Death, Character Study, Gen, I have not read the books, M/M, NOW WITH A HAPPY ENDING, No Dialogue, POV Raphael Santiago, Raphael has feelings, he doesn't care but he cares very much, lol what was that sadness mess, why Raphael hides his emotions behind anger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 11:02:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9488237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: Often, he would steal away during sleeping hours and pray for the souls that had met their demise at her hand.Tucked in his jacket pocket was his mother's gold cross; a touchstone that kept him grounded when the darkness was too much and if he closed his eyes he could almost remember what she sounded like when she prayed. If he held it long enough he might remember the boy he used to be and what it felt like to be happy.But then again, he thought, I don't deserve it.





	

 

 

> _Born under a bad sign_  
>  _I've been down since I began to crawl_  
>  _If it wasn't for bad luck_  
>  _I wouldn't have no luck at all_
> 
> ([+](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiZ4lttqCJw))

 

 

They almost look like dying fish drooling and flailing on the floor until the life drains out of them.

 

There's a lot to be said about the manner in which a person dies; it's almost like a fingerprint. Two may seem the same but they're not. Some victims scream, guttural and raw, and it echo's off the walls, soaks into the crevices for decades. Others whimper and surrender to their fate with a plea to inform their loved ones they've passed. 

Each person streams in either petrified or in a lusty haze. Either way, the story ends the same. They become gray and colorless, endless bodies without names and families. When Camille first began to viciously torture, feed from and murder innocent mundanes he'd gotten physically ill. After kill number three, he began to dream of them. Limp arms and legs, purple circles under cold haunting eyes, a thousand voices screaming in unison.

He thought of his own family and how dying hadn't dulled the pain of loss. Every last one of these mundanes were _something_ to somebody, they mattered. As such, he whispered apologies as he shoveled dirt over their bodies as if it might give their loved ones peace. 

Often, he would steal away during sleeping hours and pray for the souls that had met their demise at her hand. Tucked in his jacket pocket was his mother's gold cross; a touchstone that kept him grounded when the darkness was too much and if he closed his eyes he could almost remember what she sounded like when she prayed. If he held it long enough, he might remember the boy he used to be and what it felt like to be happy.

But then again, he thought, I don't deserve it. 

* * *

 

She did it on purpose, she must've. Her idea of fun was seeing how many mundanes she could throw at him before he finally got attached. That part was her favorite because it meant she could hurt him without saying a word. She could crawl inside of his head and mess with it. 

 

On Monday she'd drop her newest toy on his lap for him to entertain until she was ready. By Wednesday, they'd be another corpse six feet under with no headstone. 

 

In October, she left a fifteen year old boy in his care and he actually spoke to this one. The boy had asked an endless barrage of questions about the undead, talked about the NY Giants and catching the ball. He had a name, a history, an aging grandmother who expected him at dinner and he was  _so young._ He reminded Raphael of himself before he'd been turned, back when his heart was mostly whole and _alive_.

Sentiment made him foolishly try to smuggle the mundane out. He'd made it to the inner door of Hotel DuMort before a familiar voice sauntered in, high heels clicking on the floor. She'd curled a hand around the boy's shoulder, nails digging in, and forced him to listen as she taunted Raphael. 

 

Later, when they were alone she'd icily informed him that vampires who are emotionally compromised join the mundanes and if that's how it was going to be, grab a shovel. 

_'Don't tell me you're actually mourning the mundane. Pathetic. You're a vampire, Santiago, act like it. We don't cry. We feed, we kill. But if you're not up to the job, I can easily replace you. Keep that in mind next time you decide to get attached to the food.' _

The grave was a small one. 

* * *

 

After that, he distanced himself. He grew to hate them and how gullible they were. How they didn't even try to save themselves. My God if he had a second chance he'd fight like hell to save his own life. He'd run straight home and hug his mamá, take his brothers to the park, let the sun warm his skin. He wouldn't take a second of it for granted.

Over the years that pain began to bleed into every kidnapping, every fresh grave, every prayer until it festered into an ugly seething anger. Every emotion rooted itself in anger, grief and fear until there was nothing left. He came off as ruthless and dark but it kept people at bay, it got results. The less, the better. 

 

But he _wasn't_ a heartless monster and it cut to the bone when the occasional mundane spat the insult at him. If anything, he cared too damn much and it made his life hell. 

He never asked for any of this. 

* * *

 

And then he met an awkward brunette with curls and fell hard enough to break his own heart on the way down.

Funny, you'd think it'd be more resilient after decades of silence. 

* * *

 

It took three months of up's and downs before he and Simon managed to straighten things out between them as life had continued to tear them apart at every turn. 

 

And another two weeks besides, before he stalked toward Simon in the midst of a petty argument only to be silenced by lips cautiously brushing against his own. Everything, all the loss and abuse, the mounds of dirt and self hatred; every horrid thing culminated to this one beautiful point in time. He remembers balling his fists up in the back of a soft t-shirt and the feel of arms firmly holding him, a trail of kisses along his jaw and stumbling into a lamp lit room.

He'll never forget how the yellowed light made Simon look alive, how his own blood on Simon's tongue made his insides twist in a good way. 

When he dreams he sees dark lashes, sharp teeth curving into a goofy smile and amber eyes in bright vivid color. 

When he prays, there are no victims on his lips.  

* * *

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> *~~~~ETA: NOW WITH A HAPPIER SLIGHTLY MORE ELABORATE ENDING~~~~~*
> 
> I am going by the show version only. I have not read the books. I just wanted to put into words why Raphael constantly comes off as harsh and mean. And he'll say one thing then do the opposite. He'll act like he doesn't care but he really does; he bruises easily and carries them with him. He wants love but that means he'd have to tear down those walls and that in itself puts him on the defense. He didn't even go to Magnus for help with finding Camille and taking care of him until he was practically at death's door.
> 
> As for the Simon issue, aahhh my heart. He actually ~let~ him in and could finally be himself and then Simon betrayed him. He broke something delicate into a million pieces. But because Raphael cares deeply about him, he still follows him around to make sure he's alive since he's no longer at the Hotel. He shoves him around as a way of saying, "Just because I'm here and following you doesn't mean I care. Just because I'm trying to fix this Camille problem so you + our family will be safe, doesn't mean I care but, btw, we're still your family. Also I'm having coffee with your mom this week since you're worried about her" 
> 
> ....could he possibly care more than he already does?
> 
>  
> 
> (side note: You can see this side of Raphael more clearly in s2)


End file.
